Improving communication by developing understanding

A lot of times, I’ve found that what people are actually upset about is not the thing that happened, but what the thing represents. For example, when I ask my kids to take care of the dishes and they don’t do it, it feels like they don’t care about what I’m asking for. It might also feel like my time is less valuable than theirs, since now I’m the one who has to take care of the chore. Maybe it was just that they were involved with a video game or YouTube, but it can feel like they’re saying, “It doesn’t matter that you asked, my time is better spent on what I want to do, and I don’t care about it.”

Some other examples are when a partner forgets about an important date or about a promise that had been made. On its surface, it may seem like, “Oops, I forgot that I’d said we could do something fun on Friday night,” but it might feel like, “My promises aren’t dependable and you don’t matter to me.” Often, we’ll address the thing–we may say, ”It’s not a big deal, I’ll cancel my plans and we can go out!”–but not what the thing represents to our partner. “It was thoughtless of me to have made other plans when I’d promised we would do something. It was a mistake to have forgotten, but I want to spend time with you” will likely have a different impact since we’re addressing what the thing represents to the other person.

The lack of awareness or understanding frequently means that the couple is actually having two different arguments, and it makes sense why this type of argument contributes to poor communication. One of my goals when I work with couples is to slow down communication and build understanding about what each other is really thinking and feeling. When we’re able to empathize with our partner and to better understand oneself, communication can start to improve.

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