Setting (and holding) effective boundaries
Often, when people talk about boundaries, they frame it as a conversation where you tell someone else, “You’re not allowed to do this thing to me!” and then leave it at that. There are big problems with this idea, however. Just telling someone they can’t do something doesn’t actually mean they can’t do it. “You aren’t allowed to roll your eyes at me!” doesn’t ensure the person will stop rolling their eyes. They are, after all, a person who can do or say whatever they’d like, right? Maybe you’d really like them not to, and maybe a good person (which is a completely subjective term) would take your feedback and change their behavior, but simply making a statement isn’t enough.
There’s a second half to setting boundaries that is often missing, and that’s the consequences for the other person if they violate your boundaries. Laying out, in advance, what the consequences will be if someone violates your boundaries is where it starts to shift from ineffective to effective. Let’s return to the eye rolling example. “I’m really bothered by people when they roll their eyes at me. If you do so, I’m going to remind you about my boundary, and if you do it again, I’m going to end the conversation.” is a far more effective way to set a boundary than by just telling the other person what they can’t do. And that’s what boundaries are all about: boundaries are not only about what you want or need from someone else, but what you’re going to do if the boundary is not respected.
Keep in mind that the consequence of not holding the boundary should be feasible and proportional. Feasible means that the consequence should be something you can actually do. I can report a coworker for inappropriate behavior, but I can’t get them fired (reporting someone could be a step in that person being fired, but I can’t actually fire a coworker). Proportional means the consequence should be of a similar significance to the violation of the boundary For example, “If you start complaining about my husband, I’m going to end the conversation” is proportional while, “The first time you start complaining about my husband, I’m going to cut all contact with you forever” isn’t.
Actually holding boundaries is tough, but holding them can be made easier by having that clear conversation up front. It’s important to remember that if you’re going to effectively hold a boundary, you’re going to need to consistently provide the consequence if it’s not respected.
