The problem with "advice"

As a therapist, I don’t give advice to people. The dictionary definition of advice is a “recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct,” and while I may give suggestions or options, I don’t give advice. My definition of advice is essentially, “telling somebody what to do” which is contrary to my belief and desire to have people make decisions for themselves. More than just my professional responsibility, there are problems with giving advice.  

Firstly, if I give advice, I’m partially responsible for the outcome, good or bad. Someone could ask me, “Andy, should I quit my job and find another one?” If I tell them that they should, and then their new job is worse, I’m partially responsible that they’re in this position. An even poorer outcome is that they quit their job and then can’t find another one, and again, I’m partially responsible.  

A different, but very real version of this is, “Should I end my relationship with my significant other?” If I say yes, and then they stay together and things work out, I’m still the person who suggested they should end the relationship. 

It might not be fair that I’m considered partially responsible in this situation, especially since I’m not the one who quit or ended a relationship, I just shared my opinion about what could or should be done. The issue with that argument is that by taking our advice, the other person may feel absolved of personal responsibility in the decision making process and blame us nevertheless.

Another problem is that when someone asks for our advice and they don’t take it, we can get frustrated and angry with the other person. I’ve heard countless variations of, “My friend asked me what they should do, but then they didn’t do it, so now I’m mad at them since they’re still having the same problem.” We can all start out well-meaning, but still have this frustration when people don’t take the advice they asked for.

If you’d like some suggestions or options, but not advice, feel free to contact us HERE